No it is better to know than to not know.
Many of us approach reunion guarded or with preconceived notions and expectations. So the person either fulfills our negative view of them or falls short of our positive view of them.
Either way, we set them and ourselves up for failure. Oh I guess they are just ...(a drug addict, selfish, worthless)...just like I thought. Or why can't they be...(loving, kind, selfless, open)...like I wanted them to be...
Either way we approach it we get what we expected at our core...a reason to not feel good enough or worthy of their love or a reason that they should not be worthy of ours. If we approach it from a different perspective we will get a better experience. If we approach it from a meet them where they are at approach then we just see them for who they are. Don't expect the hero and don't expect the wretch.
Expect a person with great qualities and many flaws.
Do your best to find the great qualities. Find your common features, beliefs, history etc.
When you hit a negative trait don't say, "oh I knew it or how could they". Just accept them as a flawed human being just like every other human we have met in life.
Show them by example that you can love them even with their flaws and this will open you up to receive unconditional love back.
In the end it probably comes back to that. It comes back to our inability to love ourselves unconditionally. So we project those attitudes on them hoping that justifies our feelings about ourselves. Just meet them where they are and accept it for what it is...good, bad, or indifferent.
But knowing is better than not knowing. They say ignorance is bliss.
I disagree. Ignorance is hell.
We cannot escape our emptiness if we don't have the whole story.
Acceptance is bliss.
Written by,
~Rick Feltner
Adoptee in reunion
26 years with maternal family
15 years with paternal family
mail@rickfeltner.com
This blog will feature personal stories about reunion after adoption, and what happens after. all written from the perspectives of adoptees or natural parents. Sometimes we will also feature essays that are just thoughts on the whole idea of reunion. Please read with an open mind. If you are interested in being a guest blogger, submit your story to whathappensafterreunion@gmail.com
Rick your insight is really helpful. As adoptees we tend to have ideas in our minds about what our original families were like.
ReplyDeleteIt is important to remember that those are just our ideas and not reality. Reality is often so different from our imaginations, and people are people, and people are flawed. We have to be willing to accept them flaws and all, just as we want to be accepted with our own flaws.
Yes! Your response was right on the money. We have to accept people (even bios) as flawed. If we have unrealistic expectations, reunion will not be successful.
DeleteGreat advice here, Rick!
ReplyDeleteGreat way of explaining and looking at the situation.
ReplyDelete